Slamming Western democracies for their pusillanimity in not standing up to American hegemony and rank hypocrisy when it comes to defending human rights, the Taliban’s reclusive leader, Mullah Omar, has gone ahead and granted asylum to US intelligence leaker, Edward Snowden. Snowden now has the option of relocating to the Af-Pak region, and can get in touch with the newly opened Taliban embassy in Doha for the requisite modalities.
Speaking from his hideout near Quetta, Mullah Omar said he was aghast that even so called super-powers such as China and Russia had developed cold-feet. “I can understand countries like India being one of the first to decline Snowden’s request. After all, they are led by the likes of Dr. Manmohan Singh but even Russia and China lack balls, is it? Thoo. However, Af-Pak, as you chaps call it, otherwise known as the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan and its colony, Pakistan, to use the correct term, will be more than willing to house Mr. Snowden as an esteemed guest,” he said.
Although Af-Pak, roughly co-terminus with Afghanistan and Pakistan, is not recognized as a sovereign state by the UN, it has all the trappings of one. “He’ll be completely safe under Taliban territory but he needs to watch his back if he visits the Pakistani side of Af-Pak. One can never be sure which side those Pakistani chaps are batting for on a given day and they can always turn him over to NATO forces for the right consideration. Those ISI chaps are even more untrustworthy than their spot-fixing cricketers,” observed the one eyed Omar ruefully.
The Taliban have also assured Snowden of complete privacy and liberation from state sanctioned electronic surveillance. “There is no telecommunication infrastructure to speak of in our territory, so Snowden can breathe easy on that count,” said Mullah Zaeef, Taliban’s External Affairs Minister.
On being asked whether the Taliban would yet again risk incurring the wrath of Uncle Sam, Omar laughed. “hahaha…we’ve already been bombed back into the stone ages for having the guts and strength of conviction for not turning over OBL. You see, we may not have much going for us, with backstabbing allies, the world’s superpower and its entire arsenal arraigned against us, but unlike others, we can look at ourselves in the mirror and not flinch, knowing that we have been true to our principles.” Mullah Omar also rubbished fears of America wanting to take out Snowden is a drone strike. “Dude, the chap faces death penalty in his own home country. He would rather take his chances with dodging drone strikes here,” he said.
In related news, Snowden withdrew his asylum request to India even before the country could reject it. “They seem to be worse than US, man, what with collecting biometric markers of all residents which are then sold to US agencies. And as though that’s not enough, there is an absurdly draconian legislation called the Information Technology Act under which I can be arrested for merely posting cartoons about the regime. Thanks but no thanks. I prefer lawless Afghanistan to India,” he said.