“Dumara naam gya hai???”
The simmering anger among Tamilians first kindled by Shah Rukh Khan last year when the mega star nonchalantly mixed curd with noodles in Ra.One, boiled over in spectacular fashion after the first set of movie goers in the Southern state walked into theaters to watch Chennai Express and subjected themselves to Deepika Padukone’s “Tamil”.
Minutes after the first show on Friday, a committee of elite producers and directors of Kollywood put aside their artistic differences, joined hands and declared in unison that they’d had enough, and are ready to give Bollywood as good as they get.
“Enough is enough, pa,” declared producer Kalanidhi Maran. “There’s a limit to our restraint. Like Pakistan’s non-state actors, these badava rascals have been sneaking in every now and then, and poking fun at us with their awful renditions of ‘Aiyo’ and ‘Mind it’. I mean, come on, who uses ‘Mind it’ these days!?” hollered the director. “That’s why we have decided to hit back with our own take on the North Indians with ‘Rajdhani Express’”
According to Kollywood sources, the movie will be produced by a consortium of Kollywood producers and directed by some of the biggest names in South India such as Mani Ratnam, Shankar and KS Ravikumar. The plot is rumoured to be rather similar to Chennai Express, except that Shah Rukh Khan’s role will be played by Captain Vijayakanth, and at no point will the movie depict Captain being restrained or intimidated by the bad guys, because that simply doesn’t make sense. The directors have retained Deepika Padukone as the heroine to pull in the crowd in large numbers, who they can later ambush by unleashing Captain.
“This is going to be the most damaging attack on Hindi ever since G Ramli mouthed ‘Ek gaon mein ek kisan Raghu thatha‘ in the movie Indru Poi Naali Vaa in 1981. [Ed: For non-Tamil readers, Raghu thatha means Grandfather Raghu] If Captain can do even half of what he did to English in some of his movies, we’d be more than avenged!” exclaimed director Shankar. The movie will also consist of an item number ‘Dhoti dance’ sung by Tamil rapper Dhanush, purportedly paying a tribute to Bollywood legend Amitabh Bachchan.
A spokesperson for the consortium of directors revealed to the The UnReal Times that a few scenes of Rajdhani Express have already been shot. “We are very happy with the results so far. The accent Captain has used to deliver the Hindi dialogues to mock Hindi is absolutely phenomenal,” raved the director, at which a perplexed Captain turned to him and demanded, “Whad agjend??”