As sound grasp of history and general awareness becomes the touchstone by which a PM candidate will be judged, the time has come for all PM candidates to not debate each other but to compete with each other in a GK quiz contest. Accordingly, The UnReal Times commissioned TMC MP and renowned quiz master Derek O’Brien to conduct a quiz contest for Narendra Modi, Rahul Gandhi and Nitish Kumar. The rules were as follows: Each participant would be asked a question and if he didn’t know or gave the wrong answer, the question would roll over to the next participant. Here is what transpired:
Derek: My first question is to Rahul Gandhi. (Rahul Gandhi rolls up his sleeves to get ready to answer) Who invented the computer?
Rahul (almost instantly): Ha…That’s easy. Rajiv Gandhi. Pitroda uncle keeps telling me he brought computers to India.
Derek: I’m afraid I can’t give that to you, Rahul. The question passes to Modi bhai.
Modi (wipes his brow and takes a sip of water): I got this…Charles… (thinking hard) Cabbage…no, wait… Charles Xavier.
Derek: That’s not quite correct. Nitishji, it’s your turn now.
Nitish: Hahah…arre bhai, what was that? Sweating, drinking water… are these signs of a future PM? And not knowing the difference between Charles Xavier and Cabbage! Former is a character in X-men, latter is a vegetable…
Derek: Don’t bullshit, boss. What’s the correct answer?
Nitish: Wait, wait. Let me finish analyzing the body language of he whose name I won’t take. He was shivering when the question was passed to him and..
Derek: You are out of time. The correct answer is Charles Babbage. I’m afraid none of you get it. Next question to Narendrabhai. Who did Alexander defeat in the battle of Hydaspes?
Modi: What does knowing this have to do with governing the country, man? Anyway, I think I got it. Some Punjabi chap…..Sardar Cyrus?
Derek: Man, you need to pay more attention to details when you read. The question passes to Rahul.
Rahul: Let me ask you the same question – who did Alexander defeat in that battle?
Derek: WTF? You are the participant, not me.
Rahul: That’s ok. Try, try again.
Derek: Ok, I take it you have no clue. Nitishji, your turn.
Nitish: Arre Derekwa, when Alexander never even came into Bihar, why should I care who he defeated in the Battle of Hydaspes?
Derek: ARGHHH….All three of you still tied at nought. Correct answer is Porus or Purushottama. Ok, final question to Nitishji. What was Chandragupta’s caste?
Nitish (pumping his fist): YESSSS…this is my area of expertise. From mother’s side he was an EBC belonging to Kevat subcaste and from dad’s side, he was a Kshatriya
Derek: Er….I don’t think that’s the right answer. Rahul ji, you can take a shot.
Rahul: Bhaiyya, what was his escape velocity to reach the top? Was it Jupiter’s or Venus’s? Only if you answer that can I answer your question.
Derek: You are crazy, man. What does escape velocity have to do with all this?
Rahul: Arre bhaiyya, A Dalit needs Jupiter’s escape velocity to escape from his social trap. Similarly, an OBC needs Saturn’s escape velocity. So tell me what escape velocity did Chandragupta have and I’ll tell you what his caste was.
Derek: Bhaiyaa back at you. I have no clue. And stop asking me questions. Modibhai, you want to take a shot?
Modi (by now looking zonked out): I have no fricking clue, dude. Anyway, wild guess – Gupta caste.
Derek (breaks into a broad smile): Hahah…that’s funny.. (abruptly drops his smile) No. From his mother’s side, he is believed to have been a Shudra.
Nitish: Arre bhai, what kind of answer is that? Shudra? There are Shudras and then ati-Shudras, just like Dalits and Mahadalits. And within Shudras, there are Kevats, Karvaits, Godhis, Taantis…
Derek (cutting him short): Quizmaster’s answer is final. Anyway, a good quizzer has a superficial knowledge of everything without super specialization in anything. I’m afraid none of you are Prime Ministerial material. Modiji, your inattention to details is disturbing, Rahul baba, you are too whacked out, and Nitishji, you are just weird.
“Then who is Prime Ministerial material?” all three PM aspirants shout in unison.
“Derek O’ Brien, of course,” say Sagarika Ghose and Karan Thapar, appearing on the stage. “As a quiz master who asks all the right questions, he has the right capabilities to lead the nation. Pertie says his general knowledge of Indian history is second to none,” says Karan Thapar. “Indeed, he’s the Macaulayputra’s Maculayputra, the genuine article,” Sagarika Ghose adds. “My vote goes to him.”
“Yessss.. I am Prime Ministerial material, I have the power,” Derek begins to gloat. But the faces of people in front of him have turned white.
“What’s wrong? Come, join me in celebrating,” he urges, as he breaks into a jig.
“Pssst…look behind you,” Sagarika whispers.
Derek gingerly turns around and nearly jumps out of his skin when he finds the gaunt face of Mamata Banerjee starring back at him.
“Ei ki, Derek? What was the commotion about?”
“Er…Sagarika just said I was Prime Ministerial material, Didi,” Derek answers, voice quaking with fear.
“And what did you say in return?” Mamata asks, glowering at Derek.
“Er… I was about to say that I will be a Prime Minister reporting to you just as Dr. Manmohan Singh reports to Sonia Gandhi,” Derek answers.
“Correct answer, Derek. I like it very much,” Mamata says, clapping her hands in glee.
Karan and Sagarika look at each other and nod in acknowledgement. Derek heaves a sigh of relief.