Battered to within an inch of their lives after an hour long session on Newshour with Arnab Goswami, where the Times Now editor in chief serial-bombed two US spokespersons with a cocktail of facts, rhetoric and no holds barred shouting, the US State Department has taken note of its glaring shortcomings in this arena, and moved to redress them.
A spokesperson for the US Home department confirmed to The UnReal Times that Arnab Goswami has replaced Al-Qaeda as the top threat to US national security. “Yes, we are treating this as a DEFCON 1 threat,” she said. “The US will do everything in its power to protect its borders and its citizens from grievous harm.”
As part of its pre-emptive measures, the US Home department has roped in Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha to train its spokepersons to handle the heat in Newshour. “We had the option of going with either Sanjay Jha or Meenakshi Lekhi, but eventually decided in favour of Jha because he came in cheap,” the spokesperson confirmed. “If this doesn’t work, the next step would be to conduct a Navy Seal operation on Arnab Goswami’s residence in Mumbai similar to the one we carried out in Abottabad two years back,” she added.
“But ma’am, what about the core issue? Shouldn’t the US be apologizing for the high-handed manner in which it has humiliated an Indian diplomat?” asked The UnReal Times correspondent. “I will answer your question if you allow me two minutes to put this in perspective. You spoke about us apologizing, but has the BJP’s Prime Ministerial candidate apologized yet for the barbaric state sponsored pogrom in 2002 that resulted in the massacre of close to 1000 Muslims?” she shot back, clearly indicating that Jha’s training program is well and truly underway.
In other news, US state attorney Preet Bharara has zeroed in on his next Indian target and vowed to go after Aditya Chopra, after watching the first day first show of Dhoom 3 with his family.