After committing to a fiscal deficit target of 4.1% in the Union Budget, the Modi government is scrambling to come up with various ways to at least land somewhere in the vicinity of 4.1%. One of the measures that was suggested by HRD minister Smriti Irani and accepted by her bade bhaiyya, PM Modi, was to depute top BJP leaders to participate in Indian reality shows and attempt to win cash prizes for the government.
True to his style, PM Modi quickly convened a cabinet meeting to nominate BJP leaders to various reality shows according to their individual talents, and in the week that followed has already achieved substantial progress towards his goals.
Kaun Banega Crorepati – Arun Jaitley
Leading this initiative is Finance Minister Shri Arun Jaitley himself, who has agreed to participate in the most prestigious of Indian reality shows, Kaun Banega Crorepati. Going toe to toe with BigB is no small (no pun intended) feat, and Jaitley ji may be the only one up to it among top BJP leaders.
Interestingly, Prime Minister Modi himself was keen on participating in this event initially, and despite tentative suggestions by the other ministers such as ‘Modiji, generally there are several history questions’ and ‘Modiji, there are only three lifelines’, refused to take the hint. Ultimately, RSS stepped in and prevailed upon Modi to make way for Jaitley.
Comedy Circus Ke Mahabali – Narendra Modi
The top brass of both the BJP and RSS were unanimous in their opinion that Comedy Circus Ke Mahabali is the ideal format for the Prime Minister. The first episode of the next season has already been recorded, and it is reliably learnt that Modi had the crowd and the judges in splits with countless jokes on Shahzada, Robert Vadra and Dr Manmohan Singh. Reportedly, Archana Puran Singh’s guffaws, as she toppled sideways to the floor, were heard in homes as far as 10 kms from the recording studio.
Nach Baliye – Sushma Swaraj
No arguments here. After her stirring performance at Rajghat in a protest fast against the UPA government in 2011, Sushma Swaraj’s dancing prowess is legend. The cabinet was unanimous in nominating her for the show, and Sushmaji, the graceful team player that she is these days, agreed to participate and give her best.
The first episode has been recorded, and according to insiders, Sushmaji’s prospects are looking good. Her moves have received critical acclaim from none other than Madhuri Dixit. “Sushmaji is a natural!” she exclaimed. Sushma Swaraj blocked her on Twitter all the same.
Khatron ke Khiladi – Subramanian Swamy
With circumstances and Congress lawyers stymieing his efforts on the National Herald case, a frustrated Swamy reportedly wrote to Modi once again and asked him for some work to do. All too aware of his propensity to go after those in power when he’s bored, Modi decided to nominate Swamy for the show that suits Swamy to the T.
“For someone who has made a habit of taking on powerful people when they are at their most powerful, and executing a stunt everytime he faces the camera or logs into Twitter, handling a few wriggling reptiles and navigating a few dumb stunts is child play,” said a BJP leader.
Later Swamy tweeted, “With the good wishes of PTs, I’m participating in Khatron ke khiladi. Will send TDK to Tihar after that. Onward ho!” and followed it up with another tweet where he declared host Rohit Shetty a brahmin for his Brahminical gunas.
Bigg Boss – Amit Shah
Given that Bigg Boss is essentially about a bunch of people bitching about each other and yet somehow living in the same house, almost every BJP leader felt qualified to participate. The discussions were therefore long and heated, and after half an hour, the cabinet hadn’t yet arrived at a consensus. Then someone pointed out that the Bigg Boss House is littered with spy cams, and just like that Amit Shah was nominated for the show.
“Whether it be engineering fights between factions in the House, eliminating contestants from each episode or spending time in the House’s jail, there’s no person more experienced than Amit bhai. Next to Modiji, we place our greatest hopes on Amit bhai,” said a senior BJP leader.
In typical fashion, Amit Shah launched himelf into preparations, and within days, procured cameras and microphones to spy on Bigg Boss while Bigg Boss spied on the contestants.
Later, he demonstrated his prowess in the recording of the very first episode of the show, during a segment when he was summoned to the Confession room. “Big Boss chahte hain….” began the familiar baritone, before Amit Shah interrupted with a dismissive wave. “I already know what you want. It will be done,” he said matter-of-factly, and trudged out.
Indian Idol – Bappi Lahiri
Not one of the top hopes of the Modi cabinet, but the potential benefits if he makes it to the last few rounds, just about edged out the costs of transporting Bappida to and fro the studio and the elaborate security to protect the three kilos of gold on his frame. Should the music director discover some of his past magic, the government may be in for a pleasant surprise.
Masterchef India – Nitin Gadkari
No contest here. The cabinet was only too happy to nominate Gadkari for Masterchef India, but their happiness paled in comparison to Gadkari’s delight at having been chosen for this honour.
According to sources, Gadkari initially demanded that the organizers make him one of the judges, so that he can sample the food prepared by all the contestants, but PM Modi put his foot down and insisted that Gadkari take a shot at the show as a contestant in order to bring in a larger sum of money.
Gadkari reluctantly gave in after the judges agreed to pass him the contestants’ dishes after they had had their taste.
MTV Roadies – Yashwant Sinha
There were extended discussions over who would be suited for MTV Roadies, with a section rooting for the younger MPs/ministers to handle the belligerent duo, Raghuram and Ranvijay, and another section in favour of picking someone from Modi’s online troll brigade to take them on. Everyone immediately came on board when someone suggested Yashwant Sinha as the participant, and the cabinet quickly ruled in favour of sending the former Finance Minister to the MTV auditions.
“So Mr. Sinha, why do you want to be a roadie?” asked Raghuram in the auditions. Yashwant Sinha looked at Raghuram with utter disdain. “Any ch*tiya can become a Roadie,” he barked, and let loose a stream of cuss words that made Raghuram and his fellow judges cower in their seats. Needless to say, Sinha was asked no further questions and was selected by a unanimous vote.
Satyamev Jayate – LK Advani
When all other reality shows were covered and the cabinet meeting was near its end, Prime Minister Modi suggested that party veteran LK Advani participate in Aamir Khan’s Satyamev Jayate. Initally the revenue model wasn’t clear to the cabinet ministers, as Satyamev Jayate isn’t exactly a contest with a cash prize for the winner, but Modi reassured his colleagues that the BJP patriarch will bring home a substantial bounty.
“The plan is for Advaniji to go talk to Aamir about any topic under the sun, and start weeping within a few minutes, which going by recent trends, is all too easy for him. Aamir too will start sniffling, which would in turn get the studio audience crying. The sob-fest will eventually end with Aamir requesting the TV audience to donate as much as they can to the government of India,” explained Modi.
BJP leaders believe that Advaniji may surprise them all, as unlike the other shows, there’s no upper limit on the “prize” that can be won in Aamir’s show. When asked if Advaniji will be able to pull it off, a confident Venkaiah Naidu raved, “When Advaniji can make a battle hardened man like Modi weep in front of everyone, getting Aamir Khan to shed a few tears is a piece of cake!”
(Based on an idea by Anjali)