(Image via niticentral.com)
The Bharatiya Janata Party held a closed door meeting to take stock of the massive electoral defeat in Bihar assembly elections and introspect on the reasons for the same. One of the BJP leaders who happened to be in the room sent us this transcript:
The mood was somber in the meeting room at BJP headquarters on 11, Ashoka Road. Prominent leaders and party workers filed into the room one by one quietly and took their seats. Almost all familiar faces such as union ministers Venkaiah Naidu, Piyush Goyal, Prakash Javadekar, Ravi Shankar Prasad as well as ‘firebrand’ BJP and VHP leaders such as Yogi Adityanath, Sakshi Maharaj, Sadhvi Jyoti, Sandhvi Prachi were in attendance. The two leaders conspicuous by their absence were Arun Jaitley and Shatrughan Sinha.
The chairs were arranged like benches in a classroom, facing the same direction towards a raised platform with three chairs on it. Saffron curtains hanging over the windows lent a reddish tinge to the ambiance. A cow chewed on a stack of hay in a corner, watching the happenings with a placid expression on its large face.
When everyone had settled in, Amit Shah, Mohan Bhagwat and PM Modi walked in through another entrance and with substantial gravitas, lowered themselves into the three seats on the stage.
“Thank you all for coming in for this very important introspection session,” said Amit Shah, after a sweeping gaze. “We are here to hold a no holds barred discussion on the reasons for the thrashing we got in Bihar.”
“Jaitleyji couldn’t be here. He will join us via video recording,” Shah added. He then pulled a remote from his pocket and pressed a button. The flat-screen on the wall behind them came to life. An animated Arun Jaitley was taking Barkha Dutt through the reasons for BJP’s defeat in Bihar on NDTV. Shah set the volume to a low decibel and turned to the audience.
“Before we begin, I’d like to inform you all that I have submitted my assessment to Bhagwat ji, in which I have made it clear that his comment on reservation was NOT the reason why we lost,” said Shah.
“And I have, in turn, made it clear to Amitji that the way he ran the campaign was impeccable and that he is NOT to blame in any way,” said Bhagwat.
“Thank you, Bhagwatji. With that, I open the floor for inputs. Who or what is to blame? Speak freely,” asked Shah.
A low murmur rose in the hall, as leaders hurriedly exchanged words with each other. After a minute, BJP National General Secretary, Muralidhar Rao put his hand up. “Shatrughan Sinha!” he exclaimed.
“Excellent, Muralji! The bugger did screw it up for us, didn’t he?” said Shah, opening his notepad. “Let me put that down on paper.”
After scribbling for a couple of seconds, he looked up, “What else?”
“RK Singh too,” said another BJP leader.
“Good, yes, yes,” said Shah, writing in his book. “Let me put them down under a common point ‘Traitors’. What else?”
The participants began murmuring once again. After another minute, someone chipped in. “Our alliance partners! Their performance was pathetic!”
“Excellent point. Let me write that down as well…” said Shah. “What else?”
The noise rose again, but this time no one spoke up, and gradually the murmur subsided.
“Come on guys,” urged Shah when the room went silent. “Think! We have to be thorough!”
Another minute passed in silence.
“Remember, we are no longer the party of old. Everyone knows that the BJP under Modiji has replaced Congress as the pole of Indian politics….”
“So does that mean that BJP has to make the same dumb mistakes?” interrupted a voice from the backbenches.
“Who’s that?” shot back Shah, scanning the audience.
“Madan Mishra,” an elderly man stood up. “I am just a party worker.”
“Hmm. Go on, Mishraji.”
“Well, for starters, why didn’t the campaign posters have pictures of candidates and local leaders on them? Almost all posters had yours and Modiji’s pictures on them. Modiji is the Prime Minister and our chief campaigner, so his presence in the poster is understandable. Why was your picture almost of the same size? Nitish went to town with his Bihari vs Bahari jibe.”
“Hmm.”
“Secondly, the incumbents had started campaigning as early as February, with cartoons mocking Modiji on outdoor banners. Despite being in the opposition, why were we so late to begin our attack?”
“Hmm.”
“Thirdly, your comment on Pakistan bursting crackers if…”
“Tell me one thing, Mishra ji,” interrupted Shah, and after a pause added slowly, “have you renewed your BJP membership this year?”
Mishra stared back with a bewildered expression.
“Er… as a matter of fact, I haven’t yet…” he began.
“In that case, you aren’t a BJP member,” Shah said, and flicked his head towards the door. Dumbfounded, Mishra slowly made his way out.
“All right,” said Shah, once Mishra had exited. “Forget what he said. His views are shared neither by the party nor by the public,” said Shah. “Let’s move on. What else?”
Once again, noise rose in the room, as leaders spoke over each other.
“All because of Shatrughan!”
“Our alliance partners screwed up!”
“Manjhi turned out to be a dud!”
“Biharis are casteist, when they should be communal!”
“Traitor Shotgun is to blame!”
At this point, a young party worker, who had hitherto watched the proceedings with barely repressed anger, sprang to his feet.
“F**k this, yaar! I will tell you guys why we lost. We stopped talking about development and started talking about arbit stuff like beef! It was all because of that goddamn cow,” he cried, pointing at the innocent bovine chewing away in the corner. In a fit of rage, he leapt towards the animal and delivered a sharp kick to its side.
Red molten fury surged up inside Yogi Adityanath, Sakshi Maharaj, Sadhvi Prachi and a few other leaders. With clenched fists and menacing growls they rushed towards the party worker and proceeded to beat the shit out of him.
Perched on his chair onstage, Modi watched the chaos dispassionately. After about a minute, he leaned towards Shah and said, “I have to go for a fitting session with my tailor now. I trust you have things under control?”
“Yes, Modi bhai,” nodded Shah, at which Modi got up and left the room.