BJP seniors are fuming at Generation Next and itching to tweak a few ears for making a hash of Bihar. Initially, the Modi-Shah-Jaitley triumvirate had planned to get Congress’ A K Antony to generate a ‘clean chit’ report for the top brass. After all, Antony is an old hand at generating these reports absolving the Nehru-Gandhis of all blame whenever the Congress flops. So the plan was dust off his last one after the 2014 General Elections, simply replacing ‘Rahul Gandhi’ with ‘Narendra Modi’ along with a few minor tweaks. (Excerpts in track change mode):
Despite our tallest leader, Shri Rahul Gandhi, Shri Narendra Modi mounting an energetic campaign, the Congress the BJP drew a maha blank in the recently concluded elections.
Wherever Rahul Modi went, he attracted huge crowds but the party failed to tap into his charisma and pedigree to convert this groundswell of support into votes. Poor organizational structure in many places, wrong selection of candidates, price rise and vote transferability within the Mahagatbandhan were the main reasons for the rout. It also didn’t help that some senior leaders, such as Amit Shah and Mohan Bhagwat, made controversial statements.
Some disgruntled and frustrated leaders within the party are now spreading mischievous rumours that Shri Rahul Gandhi Modi was responsible for the Congress’ BJP’s worst ever drubbing in recent memory. Nothing can be farther from the truth.
Rahul had nothing to do with the drubbing. If anything, the party collectively led Rahul down. It was a collective failure.
However, there is no reason to despair. Just like how we bounced back from the nadir of 1977, 2004 and 2009, under the dynamic and inspirational leadership of Shri Sonia Gandhi Narendra Modi and Shri Rahul Gandhi Amit Shah, we will bounce back once again.Vande Mataram.
However, realization dawned upon the BJP top brass that releasing an edited version of the Antony ‘clean chit’ report would have been akin to wagging red flags in front of the veteran bulls of the Margdarshak Mandal. A blood bath would have ensued. Needless to say, this suicidal plan has been shelved. Indeed, only the Nehru-Gandhis can enjoy such luxuries when it comes to owning up to flop shows.
So what can be done to placate the Margdarshak Mandal, short of getting Shah, Modi and Jaitley’s ears pinched by a fuming Advani? One idea was to hire McKinsey to do a thorough analysis and, after a 3 month long engagement, produce a 250 slide deck replete with spiffy charts and graphs, pithy insights and mind-numbing takeaways. A thoroughly sensible suggestion, one that would have left the Margdarshak Mandal utterly confused and, more importantly, pacified.
The catch: McKinsey is expensive, bloody expensive. And the BJP is no Reliance, just a mere political party that happens to be in power at the center. It simply cannot afford the services of Mac. So hiring McKinsey is also a non-starter.
And that’s when the BJP Parliamentary Board hit upon the idea of hiring MS Dhoni to analyze the reasons for defeat and fix accountability. MS, as everyone knows, has been on a losing streak since Bangladesh, and, by all accounts, is getting better at analyzing reasons for all kinds of defeats, from narrow ones to rank debacles. What’s more, Dhoni is also politically savvy, having observed BCCI power-struggles at close quarters, and so he is well regarded in political circles across generations.
“MS has become very good at this sort of the thing,” BJP Parliamentary Affairs Minister Venkaiah Naidu said, “from blaming the toss to the dew to micro-centimeters of grass on the pitch. And given his team’s most recent drubbing in the final ODI, he is perfectly placed to help Modi analyze why our team flopped so badly. So we thought why not get him to head the committee to fix accountability.”
Captain Cool will also pass on tips to PM Modi, such as maintaining cool whenever a BJP MP shoots his mouth off just like Dhoni manages to whenever Bhuvi and co feed the opposition with juicy low full tosses.