According to news reports, Congress leader Shashi Tharoor may undergo a lie detector test as part of the investigation in the Sunanda Pushkar murder case. Reminds us of a chapter from our book UnReal Elections where Rahul Gandhi’s team made Congress leaders undergo the lie detector test in Jaipur, hours after he was elevated as the Congress Vice President. Here’s the excerpt:
The next day, Digvijaya rose to propose Rahul Gandhi as the vice president of the party, a statement that cut through the thick pall of listlessness hanging over the auditorium as attendees, who had been trying hard not to nod off, suddenly perked up. In what may or may not have been spontaneous, Sonia thumped her desk and wiped a tear from her eyes.
Rahul gingerly approached the podium, rolled up his sleeves, and delivered the line of the century.
‘Last night, at four, my mother came to me and cried. Why did she cry? Because she understands that power is poison . . .’
The speech would go down in the annals of Congress history as one of the all-time great speeches, a perfect blend of corniness and maudlin sentimentality, up there with Nehru’s ‘tryst with destiny’, Indira’s ‘garibi hatao’ and Rajiv’s ‘nani yaad dila denge’.
As soon as Rahul finished his speech, the floodgates opened and a torrent of effusive praise gushed forth from the reservoir of pent-up emotions. ‘The Obama moment of Indian politics,’ raved Mani Shankar; ‘One of the greatest speeches of contemporary Indian political history,’ proclaimed Dr Tharoor; ‘Rajivji . . . Rajivjiki yaad dila di,’ was the more earthy verdict of Haryana CM Bhupinder Singh Hooda.
The rain dance was well and truly under way. An ambience of revelry and giddy headedness engulfed the auditorium, and soon spread to the multitude of Congress workers assembled outside.
‘And now Rahulji’s aide, Kanishka Singh will make an important declaration,’ the pretty Youth Congress general secretary announced.
‘Rahul has promised to usher in a new approach,’ Kanishka began. The delegates cheered heartily.
‘All of you have sung his praises, proclaimed your steadfast devotion and loyalty to his leadership. But the time has come to test it. You will all be administered an exam and your responses evaluated to rank you and objectively determine the pecking order,’ he said.
‘Bring it on,’ a delegate shouted. ‘I am ready to shoot for Rahul. What is a measly sycophancy exam compared to that?’ bellowed another delegate from the middle section of the auditorium.
‘But wait, there is a catch,’ Kanishka said. ‘What use is lavish praise if it is not heartfelt? What is the degree of truth in what they say? So we will also administer a polygraph test to record physiological responses such as blood pressure, pulse rate, perspiration and skin conductivity. This will help us score the responses for sincerity as well. For too long, we have ignored this dimension, but not any more. The new 360-degree exam will evaluate the delegates for not just their sycophancy, but also the sincerity behind the sycophancy to determine the new pecking order. Are you ready, fellow Congressmen?’
The words had punctured the bubble of euphoria. Jubilation gave way to panic. Faces turned pallid, the sparkle in the eyes gave way to fear—the look before being led to the guillotine. A wave of silence descended on the hitherto cacophonous auditorium.
A phalanx of Rahul’s team, freshly minted MBAs attired in crisp business casuals, fanned out with question papers and an array of instruments to administer the polygraph test:
a) Did you think Rahul’s acceptance speech was the Obama moment of Indian politics?
b) Did you feel that the ghost of Jawaharlal Nehru was speaking through Rahul baba?
c) Did you feel that his elevation to the post of vice president was the greatest day of your life?
d) Did you think, ‘yawn . . . Same set of recycled clichés?’ when he said the party has to change?
e) Did you feel like cringing when Rahul said that his mother told him ‘power is poison’?
f) Did the thought ‘when the f*** will we get rid of this family and institute internal democracy’ ever cross your mind as Rahul concluded his nomination speech?
The procedure was a brainchild of Rahul Gandhi himself, a throwback to his brief stint as a management consultant. In addition to learning how to craft PPT slides that packed a lot of information but communicated very little, Rahul imbibed[D1] faith in a data-driven, measurement-based approach to management and leadership in the first and only real job he would ever hold. The Rahul era was under way. An unwieldy, gargantuan century-old political party would be managed like a corporation with Rahul’s laptop-wielding, MBA-degree-holding whiz-kids calling the shots.
As the exam got under way, many began to perspire profusely, grappling with the prospect of, for the first time in their lives, having to strike a balance between professing loyalty and admiration for the Nehru-Gandhi scion on the one hand and doing so truthfully, on the other.
One particular Congress leader aced the polygraph test as he proceeded to record his true feelings. Needless to say, he promptly tendered his resignation as soon as he completed the exam.
Many others failed to clear the cut-offs in sycophancy, with the polygraph spiking as they wrote paeans in praise of Rahul. However, there were winners as well such as Dr Shashi Tharoor, who dug deep within his reservoir of vocabulary, to formulate responses, such as:
Apropos of the Nehru-Gandhi scion’s congenital traits, taken in conjunction with his innate capabilities undoubtedly moulded by the genetic traits of his forefathers and propinquity for wielding power which, if one thinks about it holistically and perspicaciously, is synonymous with toxicity, then one concludes that he is but a worthy heir to the throne after carefully defenestrating arguments of an ad hominem nature.
It ensured that he comfortably cleared the cut-offs while gathering the benefit of doubt for sycophancy.
However, one man topped both the sycophancy and veracity charts to emerge at the top of the pecking order, at least in Rahul Gandhi’s mind: Mani Shankar Aiyar. The former Union panchayati raj minister had long ago internalized his admiration and devotion to the Nehru-Gandhi family, especially Rajiv Gandhi, so much so that he genuinely believed in it. ‘I just thought of the sweet, smiling face of Rajiv Gandhi and the words of praise flowed smoothly and truthfully from my pen,’ he recalled, grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat.
Meanwhile, outside the auditorium, away from all the tension and the anxiety, Congress workers danced with gusto, while journalists reported back to their respective TV houses.
‘With Rahul’s elevation, the Congress has paved the way for his projection as its prime ministerial candidate in 2014, and effectively thrown down the gauntlet at the BJP,’ said NDTV’s Sreenivasan Jain, shouting to make himself heard over the cacophony behind him.
‘This comes as a major blow to Modi who is still only one among the many potential PM candidates for the BJP. Will BJP elevate Gujarat strongman Narendra Modi in response? Will 2014 be a Rahul versus Modi fight? With cameraman Ramesh, this is Sreenivasan Jain reporting from Jaipur. Back to you, Barkha,’ Jain concluded, and took off dancing towards the Congress workers.
(Excerpt from our bestseller “UnReal Elections” (298 pages, Rs 250). Available on Amazon, Flipkart and bookstores.)