Image via Indiatoday.com
Spoiler Alert:While the debate in India over banning PK continues, with many viewers confused whether to get offended or entertained, Pakistani authorities have gone ahead and banned the Aamir Khan blockbuster for hurting Pakistani sensibilities.
The censor board headed by chief Mohabbat Khan had cleared the movie in the neighboring country after cutting the few odd scenes that might have got the producers and Aamir convicted for blasphemy. After that, they felt the movie was so good that they had invited the entire Army top brass along with Hafiz Saeed for a special screening.
Pakistan Army chief General Raheel Sharif immediately accepted. “I was told the movie goes the extra mile in bashing some contemporary Hindu practices,” he recounted to The UnReal Times Islamabad correspondent, Wajahat Khan. “So I felt it would be a good way to ring in the New Year. It’s been a horrid 12 months, yaar. These Americans are after our asses to go after the good Taliban, while the TTP chaps have turned into Frankenstein monsters. So we though this movie would be…er…with due apologies to Shastri bhai, just what the maulvi ordered…for letting off some steam.”
The screening started off on a positive note, with the lip-lock scene between Sushant Singh’s Pakistani and Anushka’s Indian character inducing a round of titters. “Go boy,” Saeed yelled, to another round of guffaws. But soon there were acute moments of discomfort when Anushka’s Jaggu proposes to her Pakistani beau, Sarfaraz, and what’s more, suggests they get hitched in a church. A corps commander coughed uncomfortably. Haiz Saeed nostrils flared up and his ears began to twitch. The Pakistani censor chief’s heart skipped a beat.
And suddenly, the screening hall was drowned in a wave of seetis and thaalis after Anushka reads Sushant’s letter explaining why he is dumping her. “Hahah..nice movie hai, yaar. Pakistani ethos has been captured well,” General Sharif remarked, now visibly relaxed. “Yes sir,” the corps commanders echoed in unison as the aid-de-camp rushed to get the brass another round of popcorn. “Could have selected a taller, beefier hunk to play the Pakistani cassanova,” Imran added. “But yeah, decent flick.”
After that it was merriment and mirth all the way. Aamir’s Bhojpuri accent, the scenes taking digs at Hindu godmen, the Lord Shiva-PK chasing scene, all came in for hearty guffaws and applause. As the movie proceeded to its climax, pindrop silence ensued. The audience seemed to be spell bound. The corps commanders were staring back in awe, mouths wide open, as the ending credits began to roll.
“I take it, sir, the movie can be cleared for release in Pakistan?” the censor chief whispered to General Sharif.
“Bloody fool, are you also a RAW agent?” the Pakistan army chief yelled back. The pleasant mien had been replaced by an indescribable rage. It was as though the Indian army had launched a pincer attack into the heart of Pakistan.
“I …I didn’t follow, sir,” Censor board chief, Mohabbat Khan stammered.
“Abhe bhangi, are you ok with a movie showcasing a full-blooded Pakistani male to be a sissy sentimentalist, one who pines for an entire year waiting for his Indian girlfriend to get back to him?” General Sharif hollered, now frothing at the mouth.
“er…..yes….I mean, no, sir,” Mohabbhat Khan groped to articulate his thoughts.
“@@#$. This movie is a deep-rooted RAW conspiracy to malign the image of Pakistan, especially its playboys. Do you want American and European chicks to go around thinking Pakistani men are sensitive metrosexuals, who will phone up every day waiting to be taken back?”
“This movie mocks Pakistani playboys more than Indian religiosity,” an indignant Imran added. “Yet another insidious attempt to tarnish my body of work. I’m even told they might have that chintu Bollywood Imran play me next.”
“Right then,” General Sharif commanded. “So the movie is yet another weapon of propaganda from the Baniya-RAW-Mossad nexus. But the Pakistan army is ever alert to their machinations, fully prepared to guard Pakistan’s ideological frontiers. This movie is banned.”
“Yes, sir,” Mohabbat Khan meekly acquiesced.
“Do we have a backup then for this month’s entertainment?”
“Well, there is Rajni saar’s Lingaa.”
“OK!!! Rajni saar is Rajni saar. Immediately clear superstar’s movie for release,” General Sharif ordered, took the baton into his hand, adjusted his beret, and stomped away, followed by the corps commanders.